Now it is and
now I don't know. Ashley
says I know what the answers are and I don't.
If she knows I know, then she should tell me what she THINKS I
know. But it's too late
now, I guess.
We stop at some
seaside restaurant for dinner and watch the sun go down.
It must be nice
to fade into the ocean every single day.
I can't really tear my eyes off the water, even though it's
nothing but pitch black out there.
Just the roar of it, the dark of it.
It's hard not to just jump over the rail and throw myself into
the mix. And why would you wanna do that?
Because I don't wanna care?
you," he says.
he's just coming out with line after line after line.
I look at the reassuring eyes and realize what's
playing the part of him now.
He's playing me. Now
he's the one who's talking, trying desperately to get the other
person to say something. How funny. I've
been dying for something like this to happen, so he would know
how completely frustrating it is, and here it is happening,
finally… and I just don't care.
"I love you too," I say, but it feels like
someone else is saying it. The real me has already jumped over the railing and is out
flailing aimlessly in the dark stew of the sea. The me you're seeing currently is just a placeholder.
A bookmark. I
have no idea if the real me is coming back.
kind and gentle in bed. Of course he was. I'm
not talking, and he's scared.
We're in a room that has an ocean view at the hotel, and
I couldn't sleep. Just
sat up in bed and watched the moon and the ocean.
He was all curled up next to me, like a little kid.
He woke up a few times, and reached to brush my hair
back. And I'd look
down at him and smile.