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June 8, 2001

I've been shuffling around like some listless senior citizen in scuffed-up bedroom slippers.  Takes me two seconds longer to process everything.  I'm in some fog, some funk.  I don't know.  Ethan said we were going on vacation, and I thought he meant in the future, when we both have money and vacation time.  But apparently he meant right now.  What?  He's taking control for once?  Well.  Okay.  He even helped me pack, because I'm such a good-for-nothing blob right now and it takes me something like a half hour to figure out what socks I wanna wear.  For once, he's taking the lead.

And he drives up the PCH, and all I can do is stare out the window.  At one point I move to the back seat behind him so I can watch the ocean out the window.  And he doesn't freak, he just smiles reassuringly from the rearview mirror.  Somewhere over that ocean is Ashley.  Herding sheep.  Aussie Bob is probably nuzzling her ear, and that blasted rock is winking on her finger.  Goodbye, blasted rock, goodbye.

 

I watch the waves crash for miles and miles, Ethan's got old school Cure blasting, and I realize that I don't care what's happening.  He could be taking me to some abandoned beach to slit my throat, and I don't care.  I don't even care that I'm thinking he could be capable of doing that.  He's not.  But I don't care that I'm thinking he could.

"What's going on?" he asks me, and I don't even care that he's talking.  Everything feels like it's trudging through sand.  It's too much effort to care about things.  "I don't know,"  I manage to get out.  Why bother caring about anything anymore.  Why bother having friends, they just get engaged and leave you for the wilds of Australia. Why bother combing the world over for The One?  The one you find won't talk.  Oh wait.  He is talking.

"You're gonna be fine, you know."  I see his reassuring eyes in the rearview mirror. "I know," I say.  But I don't know.  I'll tell other people I know, but I don't.  I just don't know what comes next, and it didn't used to be so important to know.  But now it is.