I have to admit
my new thing to do is to test him, to silently keep track of how many
minutes go by before he says something.
I think there was a Rolling Stone article on Warren Beatty that
did the same thing a long time ago.
So the last thing I've said was how David Duchovny was in the
restaurant the other day and he has really nice legs and I know this
because he was wearing shorts. Start
the clock…NOW. Tick,
tick, tick. Maybe he's not
an X-Files fan. Tick, tick,
tick. He could say so. Tick, tick, tick. At
least ask me if I like the X-Files.
Tick, tick, tick. Ask
me if I thought he was hot. Tick,
tick, tick. Feel free to
change the topic if you don't like David Duchovny's legs.
Tick, tick, tick. Aw
fuck it. Fuck it all.
be nice if you took over the conversation once in awhile."
I don't even try and hide it.
"I don't really have anything to say right now."
"Is that because you wanna go?
Is that because you wanna be somewhere else? Without me?" Gee,
how many glasses of CPK merlot has somebody had? Nice way to go, all panicked and hysterical.
course not," he says. And smiles. And
says nothing. Tick,
tick, tick. "Look,
I really can't handle how you never talk.
You have to start talking.
You have to start talking right now."
"What do you want me to say?"
"No, no, it's not what I want you to say.
It's what you want to say.
Say something, anything, just as long as it's you that's
saying it." Please
say something. Please
recognize the seriousness of the situation, despite the drama,
despite the merlot hysterics, please see, please fucking see
that this is the time to step up to the plate and truly hit one
out of the park. Please, please, please say something NOW.
He looks at me, arches an eyebrow, and smirks.
"You're a little drunk, aren't you?"
Tick, tick, CLANG. Buzz,
gong, whatever. You're
out. You're so out.
takes me home. Oh no. No
no. No, you are NOT
invited in tonight. Nope.
You wanna come in, why don't you ASK.
Yep, you are now an official conversation vampire, and
you can't come in until you ask to be invited.
I open the door, turn around and block the doorway.