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And then the scene shifts in a blur and suddenly I'm in this weird threeway with one of the stripper teachers and some guy who I'm giving a lap dance to, and the teacher is barking orders, no I'm not doing it right, do this, this and this, okay, now I'm doing it right, and the guy wants to watch us girls going at it, and then I wake up. 

Gee, what does THAT mean?  This is what I have.  You know it's worth something.  What do I have that's worth anything?  I'm a friggin' mess is what I am.  What's a friggin' mess worth?

Worth absolutely nothing, really, because I wake up at 2 in the afternoon and it's still the steady red death of no messages on the answering machine.  So.  I'm suddenly single.  I've made the executive decision that since he hasn't called, he wants to break up, and I'm suddenly single.  What to do?  Let's go pick somebody up.  Hey, it's only 2:30 in the afternoon.  There's gotta be some kind of candidate over at Venice Beach.

And yet, the thought of trying to pick someone up, the thought of trying to be with someone else…shit.  I can't do it.


I keep seeing his face.  Call him.  No, don't call him.  It's his misunderstanding, he's supposed to call.  The thought that maybe he could be wrong is supposed to fester and fester and pick at him and eat up his insides and HE's supposed to call.

But he doesn't call.  He does pick up the phone, finally, at around 7 that night.  Yes I called.  I'm an idiot.  I called.  I just can't stand not knowing.  I can't stand the quiet.  I can't stand the silence.  No sane person could.  No normal person could.  And yet that doesn't make me feel any better.  I call him wanting to talk, and yet when he picks up the phone, I still feel like I lost.

He's completely civil and cordial.  And yes, he apologizes for not calling, he's sorry, he went rock climbing with a pal.  OH THAT JUST PISSES ME OFF!  See, HE'S got better things to do.  HE'S not waiting around for a phone call.  He's fucking climbing rocks somewhere!  Oh, I'm so upset.  I feel like slamming the phone against my head, I'm such an idiot.