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April 13, 2001

I was a freak all day long.  Of course I was, today's the day.  Today's the day I tell him I love him and it's either gonna be the best day of my life, or I'm gonna slit my wrists in the bathtub.  Either way, it's gonna be a highly memorable day.

And I waited for just the right moment.  I mean, I had already decided right off the bat that it was gonna be at night.  Partly because if it went horribly awry, I could disappear into the night.  Partly because nighttime hides embarrassment really well.  And partly because I look better at night then in the day.  Honest.  Ashley has told me many a time.  It's my fish belly white skin.  So much more flattering at nighttime.

So we had gone to dinner at Palermo and it's perfectly lovely and the entire time I'm looking at him and smiling and nodding my head and carrying the conversation as I usually do.  


And inside I'm running around in circles like a chicken with its head cut off.  Tell him!  Tell him now!  He just asked you to pass the salt.  Give it to him and say "I love you."  Say it now.  Okay wait…now.  Say it NOW.  You could have said it two seconds ago.  You could have said it five seconds ago and gotten an answer.  Say it now.  Okay, now.  1, 2, 3, NOW.

But it had to be the right moment.  Because whatever's happening when you finally say it is what's gonna be burned into your brain forever.  If he reacts the right way, if he reacts the wrong way, whatever the circumstances are will be how you will always remember this moment.  So don't say it when you're passing the salt.  Or when there's a lull in the conversation and you notice you're twisting your napkin around and around and around your finger and it actually looks kinda phallic.  No, don't say it now.  Wait.  Just wait.  Say it now.  Just wait. 

So dinner's over and we're strolling down Vermont to walk some of the pasta off.