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February 21, 2001

I wanna be cool to somebody.  Somebody please think I'm cool.  Because really all anyone wants is for someone to think they’re cool.  Like that one Edwyn Collins song, "Never met a girl like you before.  Just like in a song from days of yore."  What everyone’s truly living and longing for is to inspire awe in someone. I could be the best person to someone.  I've got a lot of love to give.  I could just give everything to him whole-heartedly and without regret, remorse, or worrying that someone would think I was weird for loving him.  And everything I could give him and feel for him would be enough to make him be the best he could be, and we’d both be the better people for it.  Right?  Isn't that how it works?  I looked so long for someone like that.  And when you only find people good enough to pass a couple of weeks with, but never anyone to love with everything I have to love with, you start to come across the dreaded S word:  SETTLE.

  I’d have to SETTLE for someone that was maybe 70 percent of the way there.  And then I think to myself, 70 percent of the way isn’t so bad.  Because it’s 70 percent, it’s more than half, it’s okay.  Maybe I can love him enough to make him want to fulfill the rest of the 30 percent.  You hear about the transforming power of love, and damnit, you have so much love to give.  You know you’d be the best to whoever the lucky man was that was good enough to get you.  And as it turns out, the man that’s lucky enough to get you is really just the one guy who’s only lucky enough to be there at the right place at the right time, the time when you’ve decided to settle for 70 percent.  70 percent isn’t so bad.  As long as he thinks I'm cool.  We can settle for the one guy at the right place at the right time, instead of the right guy.  The transforming power of love will do the rest.  Really.  Honestly.  Now.  Where the hell is he?  Sound the alarm, I'm lowering my standards.  My settle flag is flying high.  It's okay to come out now.  Come on.  Anybody?  Hello?  Geeze.  Now I can't even find a guy to settle for.  I sure feel cool now.